Hiding a Mental Illness

I remember being bullied back in high school and I think that is where it all started. I pretended to be sick so that I wouldn't have to go in to school and made up so many excuses to get out of seeing people. Then I moved up to Sixth Form and I thought things would finally change but I couldn't have been more wrong. The more I think about it the more I realise just how much I would isolate myself. Making up lies to get out of class and to avoid social situations. I've lost count of the amount of times I skipped college to avoid public speaking and presentations. I stopped blogging, deleted my Instagram, I just decided to hide myself away from the world. 
It was only this past year that I started to read up on mental illnesses and it took me a very long time to finally mention it to my doctor. She referred me to online CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) which is a talking therapy that is supposed to help you manage your issues by changing the way you think and behave. The fact that it was online was what made me do it as the thought of sitting and talking to a stranger about my 'problems' made me feel sick. I would read a topic each week that would talk about different ways to manage worrying and it would also include real life stories from other people that made me think wow, that is actually me. I kept this all to myself for a good 6 or so months before I told any of my family and even longer to mention it to my friends. It is a very hard topic and it's difficult to know if someone is going to understand or stop talking to you because they see you differently now. 
The programme included a journal where I could write things down and each week, my progress would be reviewed by my online supporter who would give me advice and talk me through what I had written down. For a while it worked but it got to the point where I couldn't concentrate on all of the reading, so I would forget all of the information straight after I had read it. Things got worse on my end, I was living alone, skipping work to stay in bed, making up excuses to avoid going out and I felt like the online therapy just wasn't enough so I went back to the doctors and was put on anxiety medication. This time they said that I needed more intense therapy that couldn't be achieved online. I was extremely anxious about this and put it off for months whilst I tried to deal with it on my own, but there is only so much you can bottle up inside before you breakdown. I started out with having therapy over the phone for the first couple of months, just to get used to my therapists voice and get used to talking to someone. As the weeks went on, I grew very attached to her, I poured my heart out to her and it felt amazing afterwards. I started to help myself as well as accept help from others and I finally found the courage to go and talk to her in person. She became my safety net and was the only person I would talk to. 
She saw me at my worst and after a chat with my GP I was also put on anti depressants as well as the anxiety medication which I actually rely on now. Then, my therapist left the practice which sent me straight downhill, once you open up to someone and start trusting them, I don't know if it's just me but the thought of having to start all over again sends my anxiety into overdrive. I felt like I was back at the beginning and all the progress I had made went down the drain. Due to the huge waiting list for therapists, at the time of this happening I couldn't get an appointment for 6 weeks, which is due at the beginning of October. I have been relying on my medication which is something I never wanted to do but thankfully my GP was kind enough to start seeing me twice a week so that I still had someone I trusted to talk to. 
I know they say to always have family or friends that you can talk to but believe me, in my case I wish I never even told them I was suffering. Some of my friends/family understand mental health and they are amazing to talk to but unfortunately not everyone gets it. The amount of times I hear "they've got it a lot worse than you", "what do you even have to be depressed about?", "you need to sort it out" etc. It all makes me feel like absolute shit. People start treating you differently when they know you have a mental illness. Sometimes you just need a shoulder to cry on and someone to listen to you. Not to judge, not to make you feel worse about yourself, just some reassurance is sometimes all it takes. I know this isn't the most positive post considering it is my first one in over 2 years.. I have been trying to write this post for months now and I finally got there, just had to get it all written down and I do feel a bit better for it now. Sophie x